1. FRIENDS - Two alternative endings for the series
Ending One "Everybody Change"
Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) realizes her problem with men is that they're men. She decides that she is better off being a lesbian. She convinces Monica (Courtney Cox-Arquette) to leave Chandler (Matthew Perry), take up as a lesbian couple and raise the child, Monica and Chandler's, together. This causes Chandler to have the nervous breakdown, which frankly has been a long time in coming. When he comes out, he realizes he can not only follow Phoebe's (Lisa Kudrow) logic but she is an angel of mercy. (She nursed him through the nervous breakdown.). This leave a very confused Ross (David Schwimmer) to bid Joey (Matt LeBlanc) goodbye as he leaves for California (the TV Series, "Joey"). [You would think the spin off would have been a more demented version of "Mad About You" called "Monica and Chandler". Oh well, mistakes will be made.]
Ross proposes marriage and Rachel finally accepts. Act One of the episode is the preparations for Ross and Rachel's wedding, and the big moment that we have been waiting for for 9 years comes: "Ross will you have Rachel to be your wife?" "I do." "Rachel will take Ross to be your husband?" She screams, "I can't." and runs from the church. Cut to Commercial and cut back. Act Two. The Friends are gathered back at the apartment Joey and Chandler share. All except Ross. Everyone picks on Rachel, "How could you do something like that to Ross? Do you know how long he has waited for you to say yes?", etc. As usual, Rachel tries to whine her way out it and chooses her own stupidity for the reason, "I don't know why I ran. Ross is terrific guy. I should want to be married to him, shouldn't I?" They ask Monica how Ross is. She says that she doesn't know how he is or where he is. He ran off after Rachel did in the opposite direction. No one has seen him every since. (Here we go.) Suddenly, the door is kicked open. It's Ross. His suit coat is gone. His pants and shirt are torn. In his hands is an AK-47. He screams, "Rachel!" and pulls the trigger. Cut to the "NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw". The news story is called "A Murder Among Friends". Joey survived by hiding in the stereo cabinet. The same one in a previous program he hid while some burglars stole all of his and Chandler's furniture. Joey is crying, "It was terrible. All my friends are dead. It was horrible. I saw it al lfrom a crack in the cabinet. Before Ross put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger he screamed, "Damn You Rachel! You drove me to this.!" Cut to: "Access Hollywood" and David Arquette sitting on a director's chair being interviewed about a new movie about the murders. He is spewing Actor Babble (the meaningless plattitudes actors always say on these shows). "You know I studied this Ross character and tried to get into his head. It was great working with director, cast, and crew...." Last shot - Joey gets into his car, throws away a now empty cup from the "Perk", wipes away a tear, and drives away. Cut To The Cast of "Friends" to take their final bows (so dorks will see they are alive).
2. HOME IMPROVEMENT
As you known from the final episode, Tim "the Toolman" Taylor's (Tim Allen) wife, Jill (Patricia Richardson),went back to school. He took her, the kids, and the whole house (Literally) and moved it to be with her. Al (Richard Karn) get married and "Tool Time" ended.
In my ending, Al doesn't get married. He expresses his feeling instead. Jill leaves Tim, the kids are college, and Al sees his chance:
"Yes, Al."
"You know Tim we have been together for a long time."
"I'm sorry to see 'Tool Time' to end too, Al."
"It's not that. I love you, Tim."
"I love you too, Al."
"No. I really love you, Tim."
Al pulls a box out of his pocket.
"As soon as it is final, Marry me, Tim."
Fade to Black. Now that would have given people something to talk about.
3. "MARRIED, WITH CHILDREN"
Next door neighbor Marcy, like her real life counterpart Amanda Bearse, came out as a lesbian and has settled her third spouse but this time, a woman.
Jefferson (Ted McGinley) relieved to be divorced from Marcy, moved onto the singles' scene. He has not remarried.
Bud Bundy (David Faustino) is in jail. The juvenile delinquent became not only as adult criminal but the most unsuccessful pimp in the history of Chicago. He was turned into the Police by his own prostitutes who dragged him into the station and handed him over to the cops. Kelly loves to tell people about how many times her brother has been raped in prison.
Peg Bundy (Katie Sagal) left Al for a big burly biker who suspiciously looks like Ron Perlman from the film "Hellboy". OK that's "Sons of Anarchy". Would you prefer that Peg stayed with Al and they lived unhappily ever after? I don't think that happened (see Al Bundy below).
Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate) had her fill of boys after she joined in with the others to turn Bud into the cops. She gave up her sexual life, went west, got into hallucinogenic drugs and joined an ashram. OK. She is banging the leaders of the ashram but thinking of her journey of spiritual enlightenment and the closest thing thing she will ever get to monogamy.
Al Bundy (Ed O'Neill) did not end up with Peg and live "happily ever after". Nor he did not end up with a hot Mexican lady with big breasts either. (That's "Modern Family".) I think one last bossy, heavy set bitch with smelly feet finally sent our favorite shoe salesman over the edge. He went "postal" and killed several people (including customers) one day at the mall. He shot the whole shoe store to hell and then set the place on fire. Al is in solitary confinement in a mental ward. Peggy and the others never go to see him. He sits there with his hand down his pants with one thought, "Peace and quiet at last." patiently waiting for the next screening of "Shane".
4. Happy Days (and spinoff shows - Laverne and Shirley, Joanie Loves Chachi and Mork and Mindy)
When "Happy Days" ended, we were headed into 1965. Richie was already put into the armed forced when Ron Howard left the series. I am convinced Richie was sent to the Vietnam War as well as drafted Potsie (Anson Williams), Ralph Mouth (Donny Most), Chachi Arcola (Scott Baio) and Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzerelli (Henry Winkler). Lenny and Squiggy from "Laverne and Shirley" (Michael McKean and David L. Lander) were probably drafted as well unless one or both turned out to have flat feet.
I see what happened as a modern day reunion film but things are far from the same.
The opening scene is of a middle age man. He sits on a chair looking at the back yard of his dilapidated Milwaukee home. He is staring at the rain hitting an old rusty motorcycle that has clearly seen better days. We pull back to realize this was the Cunninghams' home. But it is old and worn now. The furniture looks shabby and the inside needs to be repainted. It hasn't been redecorated either since the 1960's. In the kitchen, surrounded by their kids, they have three, is his wife, Laverne Defazio (Penny Marshall). She calls her husband, Arthur Fonzerelli (Henry Winkler) to dinner. He continues to sit and stare. One of his sons wears his old leather jacket but has pinned patches from bands all over it. Fonzie simply doesn't care. That is until Laverne opens an invite. The Cunninghams are having a reunion and they want to invite all the family and friends. It will be in the refurbished Arnold's which has joined a chain (ala Lettuce Entertain You) and is being marketed as a nostalgia restaurant. ("Like you're eating back in the 1950's.") Fonzie comes alive with the prospect of seeing Richie and the gang again.
So what happened to the gang after Vietnam?
Nothing for Ralph. He was killed in action in Cambodia.
Potsie had a hit song in the early seventies and has been milking it ever since. Currently, he has a log standing show at a lounge in a Holiday Inn in Milwaukee.
Richie's list sister, Joanie Cunningham (Erin Moran) broke up with Chachi and move to LA. She's an assistant attorney in the D.A.'s office there.
Chachi Arcola returned from Vietnam and open a chain of very successful automotive repair places.
Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham (Tom Bosley and Marion Ross) retired to Florida years ago but snowbird between Milwaukee and Miami Beach.
Shirley Finney (Cindy Williams) is able to attend the reunion as her parole coincides with it. Her crime? Double murder? She caught her boyfriend Carmine (Eddie Mekka) in bed with Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly). She says that she went into a blind rage and all she knew that she had a rifle in her hands they were both dead.
Brigadier General Richard Cunningham (Ron Howard) has had a stunning military career. He went to officer's school and rose through the ranks quickly commanding some of the forces right before the withdrawal from Vietnam. He worked briefly on Project Blue Book (aka Project UFO) and then onto the Pentagon. One night in Saigon, Richie walked into a whorehouse there was his brother, Chuck Cunningham, but as usual Chuck walked up a stairwell and vanished from sight. He turns out to be the one Fonzie thinks is his savior.
"Richie. Richie. You've got to believe me." (He starts crying.)
"What is it, Fonz?"
"I can't eat. I can't work. I can't sleep. You know how humiliating it is to know that Laverne is the breadwinner?"
"Are you drinking too much because that Pabst Blue Ribbon..."
"Has nothing to do with it, Rich-ie. You promise you'll believe me? You won't think I'm crazy?"
"I'm being abducted and harassed by...aliens. It's terrible. He and his curly hair-"
"An E.T. with curly hair?"
"Yes and he has humanoid life form assistant he keeps calling "Mind" or "Mindy". It's terrible. I met him years ago and introduced him to the family."
"But he wasn't a real--"
"Yes, Richie, he was. He's threatened to take me back to Ork with him. The worst part, the worst park is that phrase he just keeps repeating again and again. 'Nanu nanu.' It terrifying Richie. You used to work to defeat aliens. Get him to leave me alone."
That's as far as I have got with this dream.
Coming up in the next blogs: How do we end current shows who need it and what the hell can we do with "Two and a Half Men"?
