If I Wrote It - The Finale of "Friends" and other shows

I've had some of my crazy ideas down through the years about different TV shows. I just wanted to get them out my head and share them with you:

1. FRIENDS - Two alternative endings for the series

Ending One "Everybody Change"

Rachel (Jennifer Aniston) realizes her problem with men is that they're men. She decides that she is better off being a lesbian. She convinces Monica (Courtney Cox-Arquette) to leave Chandler (Matthew Perry), take up as a lesbian couple and raise the child, Monica and Chandler's, together. This causes Chandler to have the nervous breakdown, which frankly has been a long time in coming. When he comes out, he realizes he can not only follow Phoebe's (Lisa Kudrow) logic but she is an angel of mercy. (She nursed him through the nervous breakdown.). This leave a very confused Ross (David Schwimmer) to bid Joey (Matt LeBlanc) goodbye as he leaves for California (the TV Series, "Joey"). [You would think the spin off would have been a more demented version of "Mad About You" called "Monica and Chandler". Oh well, mistakes will be made.]

Ending Two (This one is far more violent.) "The Meek Shall Inherit"

Ross proposes marriage and Rachel finally accepts. Act One of the episode is the preparations for Ross and Rachel's wedding, and the big moment that we have been waiting for for 9 years comes: "Ross will you have Rachel to be your wife?" "I do." "Rachel will take Ross to be your husband?" She screams, "I can't." and runs from the church. Cut to Commercial and cut back. Act Two. The Friends are gathered back at the apartment Joey and Chandler share. All except Ross. Everyone picks on Rachel, "How could you do something like that to Ross? Do you know how long he has waited for you to say yes?", etc. As usual, Rachel tries to whine her way out it and chooses her own stupidity for the reason, "I don't know why I ran. Ross is terrific guy. I should want to be married to him, shouldn't I?" They ask Monica how Ross is. She says that she doesn't know how he is or where he is. He ran off after Rachel did in the opposite direction. No one has seen him every since. (Here we go.) Suddenly, the door is kicked open. It's Ross. His suit coat is gone. His pants and shirt are torn. In his hands is an AK-47. He screams, "Rachel!" and pulls the trigger. Cut to the "NBC Nightly News with Tom Brokaw". The news story is called "A Murder Among Friends". Joey survived by hiding in the stereo cabinet. The same one in a previous program he hid while some burglars stole all of his and Chandler's furniture. Joey is crying, "It was terrible. All my friends are dead. It was horrible. I saw it al lfrom a crack in the cabinet. Before Ross put the gun to his head and pulled the trigger he screamed, "Damn You Rachel! You drove me to this.!" Cut to: "Access Hollywood" and David Arquette sitting on a director's chair being interviewed about a new movie about the murders. He is spewing Actor Babble (the meaningless plattitudes actors always say on these shows). "You know I studied this Ross character and tried to get into his head. It was great working with director, cast, and crew...." Last shot - Joey gets into his car, throws away a now empty cup from the "Perk", wipes away a tear, and drives away. Cut To The Cast of "Friends" to take their final bows (so dorks will see they are alive).

2. HOME IMPROVEMENT

As you known from the final episode, Tim "the Toolman" Taylor's (Tim Allen) wife, Jill (Patricia Richardson),went back to school. He took her, the kids, and the whole house (Literally) and moved it to be with her. Al (Richard Karn) get married and "Tool Time" ended.

In my ending, Al doesn't get married. He expresses his feeling instead. Jill leaves Tim, the kids are college, and Al sees his chance:

"Tim"

"Yes, Al."

"You know Tim we have been together for a long time."

"I'm sorry to see 'Tool Time' to end too, Al."

"It's not that. I love you, Tim."

"I love you too, Al."

"No. I really love you, Tim."

Al pulls a box out of his pocket.

"As soon as it is final, Marry me, Tim."

Fade to Black. Now that would have given people something to talk about.

3. "MARRIED, WITH CHILDREN"

We never did get to say goodbye to the Bundys properly. Since it has been quite sometime, maybe we'd be better off dealing with what they would be doing today besides hanging out in series such as "Futurama", "Samantha Who?", "Sons of Anarchy" and "Modern Family"?

Next door neighbor Marcy, like her real life counterpart Amanda Bearse, came out as a lesbian and has settled her third spouse but this time, a woman.

Jefferson (Ted McGinley) relieved to be divorced from Marcy, moved onto the singles' scene. He has not remarried.

Bud Bundy (David Faustino) is in jail. The juvenile delinquent became not only as adult criminal but the most unsuccessful pimp in the history of Chicago. He was turned into the Police by his own prostitutes who dragged him into the station and handed him over to the cops. Kelly loves to tell people about how many times her brother has been raped in prison.

Peg Bundy (Katie Sagal) left Al for a big burly biker who suspiciously looks like Ron Perlman from the film "Hellboy". OK that's "Sons of Anarchy". Would you prefer that Peg stayed with Al and they lived unhappily ever after? I don't think that happened (see Al Bundy below).

Kelly Bundy (Christina Applegate) had her fill of boys after she joined in with the others to turn Bud into the cops. She gave up her sexual life, went west, got into hallucinogenic drugs and joined an ashram. OK. She is banging the leaders of the ashram but thinking of her journey of spiritual enlightenment and the closest thing thing she will ever get to monogamy.

Al Bundy (Ed O'Neill) did not end up with Peg and live "happily ever after". Nor he did not end up with a hot Mexican lady with big breasts either. (That's "Modern Family".) I think one last bossy, heavy set bitch with smelly feet finally sent our favorite shoe salesman over the edge. He went "postal" and killed several people (including customers) one day at the mall. He shot the whole shoe store to hell and then set the place on fire. Al is in solitary confinement in a mental ward. Peggy and the others never go to see him. He sits there with his hand down his pants with one thought, "Peace and quiet at last." patiently waiting for the next screening of "Shane".

4. Happy Days (and spinoff shows - Laverne and Shirley, Joanie Loves Chachi and Mork and Mindy)

When "Happy Days" ended, we were headed into 1965. Richie was already put into the armed forced when Ron Howard left the series. I am convinced Richie was sent to the Vietnam War as well as drafted Potsie (Anson Williams), Ralph Mouth (Donny Most), Chachi Arcola (Scott Baio) and Arthur "Fonzie" Fonzerelli (Henry Winkler). Lenny and Squiggy from "Laverne and Shirley" (Michael McKean and David L. Lander) were probably drafted as well unless one or both turned out to have flat feet.

I see what happened as a modern day reunion film but things are far from the same.

The opening scene is of a middle age man. He sits on a chair looking at the back yard of his dilapidated Milwaukee home. He is staring at the rain hitting an old rusty motorcycle that has clearly seen better days. We pull back to realize this was the Cunninghams' home. But it is old and worn now. The furniture looks shabby and the inside needs to be repainted. It hasn't been redecorated either since the 1960's. In the kitchen, surrounded by their kids, they have three, is his wife, Laverne Defazio (Penny Marshall). She calls her husband, Arthur Fonzerelli (Henry Winkler) to dinner. He continues to sit and stare. One of his sons wears his old leather jacket but has pinned patches from bands all over it. Fonzie simply doesn't care. That is until Laverne opens an invite. The Cunninghams are having a reunion and they want to invite all the family and friends. It will be in the refurbished Arnold's which has joined a chain (ala Lettuce Entertain You) and is being marketed as a nostalgia restaurant. ("Like you're eating back in the 1950's.") Fonzie comes alive with the prospect of seeing Richie and the gang again.

So what happened to the gang after Vietnam?

Nothing for Ralph. He was killed in action in Cambodia.

Potsie had a hit song in the early seventies and has been milking it ever since. Currently, he has a log standing show at a lounge in a Holiday Inn in Milwaukee.

Richie's list sister, Joanie Cunningham (Erin Moran) broke up with Chachi and move to LA. She's an assistant attorney in the D.A.'s office there.

Chachi Arcola returned from Vietnam and open a chain of very successful automotive repair places.

Mr. and Mrs. Cunningham (Tom Bosley and Marion Ross) retired to Florida years ago but snowbird between Milwaukee and Miami Beach.

Shirley Finney (Cindy Williams) is able to attend the reunion as her parole coincides with it. Her crime? Double murder? She caught her boyfriend Carmine (Eddie Mekka) in bed with Pinky Tuscadero (Roz Kelly). She says that she went into a blind rage and all she knew that she had a rifle in her hands they were both dead.

Brigadier General Richard Cunningham (Ron Howard) has had a stunning military career. He went to officer's school and rose through the ranks quickly commanding some of the forces right before the withdrawal from Vietnam. He worked briefly on Project Blue Book (aka Project UFO) and then onto the Pentagon. One night in Saigon, Richie walked into a whorehouse there was his brother, Chuck Cunningham, but as usual Chuck walked up a stairwell and vanished from sight. He turns out to be the one Fonzie thinks is his savior.

"Richie. Richie. You've got to believe me." (He starts crying.)

"What is it, Fonz?"

"I can't eat. I can't work. I can't sleep. You know how humiliating it is to know that Laverne is the breadwinner?"

"Are you drinking too much because that Pabst Blue Ribbon..."

"Has nothing to do with it, Rich-ie. You promise you'll believe me? You won't think I'm crazy?"

"I'm being abducted and harassed by...aliens. It's terrible. He and his curly hair-"

"An E.T. with curly hair?"

"Yes and he has humanoid life form assistant he keeps calling "Mind" or "Mindy". It's terrible. I met him years ago and introduced him to the family."

"But he wasn't a real--"

"Yes, Richie, he was. He's threatened to take me back to Ork with him. The worst part, the worst park is that phrase he just keeps repeating again and again. 'Nanu nanu.' It terrifying Richie. You used to work to defeat aliens. Get him to leave me alone."

That's as far as I have got with this dream.

Coming up in the next blogs: How do we end current shows who need it and what the hell can we do with "Two and a Half Men"?

The Worst Movies of 2010

The Emmy Awards -- Lost Opportunities

Finally, I got to see this year's the Prime Time Emmys. I agree with most of the critics --- BORING. Four of the five hosts had no concept of what do on stage. Howie Mandel did his best to save the opening about nothing but even he couldn't save it. The look back at old sets, tributes to old shows, and Josh Groban's medley all were attempts to put some life in this long program but just weren't enough.

Poor Josh Groban tried to make the old themes sound like his songs but many didn't fit in his range. It was when he played into them, he did a better job. Josh Groban raps and does The Theme from "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air"? He did a decent job but what a waste. Could the medley have been done by multiple artists? With all the rappers who grace our TV viewing, from Flavor Flav to Ice-T, one of them couldn't have done it?

The best moment and most delicious revenge goes to Jimmy Kimmel who made the hosts of the reality competition shows wait until we came back from commercial to announcer the winner. Now you all know how the viewers feel. Ha! Good for you, Jimmy Kimmel! The second runner-up for me would be Kathy Griffin giving Don Rickles the room to be himself.

Gene Siskel once said that he wouldn't care how long the Oscars are depending that they are entertaining. Here is where the Emmys have lost there way.

Cut the talk. Oprah and the academy president with their preaching and platitudes -- cut them. I love Oprah. Don't get me wrong, but all they did was slow down a show that was in bad need of momentum. Let Oprah introduce someone musical and sing and dance along like she does on her program. Maybe she could dance with Ellen Degeneres (Who would lead?). That would be a lot funnier and more entertaining.

So you criticize, but do you have any ideas to make it better? Absolutely!

TV is a visual medium. If you want to be a talking head and yap on and on, put it in its proper place -- podcasts and radio. The other problem is that in paying tribute to TV it is only pays tribute to a small section of shows. Open the base beyond the 40+ years olds who make up the Academy.

Drop the pretty people and bring on the freaks and the entertainers! The beautiful actors and actresses are nice on the red carpet but if they don't know how to work a stage without a script or play to a live audience, leave them in the audience. Forget Hayley Pantierre and Jennifer Love Hewitt. Bring more of the following:

MAGIC
Ever meet some one who hates magic tricks. Last season included Chris Angel and "Mindfreak", the hosts of "Bullshit", Penn and Teller, and a wonderful celebrity competition show on VH-1 called "Celebracadabra" where celebrities competed to open for Steve Wyrick in Las Vegas. Both the winner, C. Thomas Howell and his first runner-up, Hal Sparks (formerly of the Emmy ignored "Queer as Folk") had spectacular final illusions. Magic would have added it's own spectacular element to a dull show.

MUSIC
Jonas Brothers of "Camp Rock", Miley Cyrus of "Hannah Montana", "High School Musical 2"...hey Academy, does any of this sound familiar? Good enough for music awards shows, but not the Emmys? No? Look at the Billboard charts! Try this for an award show opening. Dark stage. From nowhere, a lone female voice, Vanessa Hudgins. "Na Na Na Hey Hey. You are the music in me." She steps in a spot light only to be joined in a couple bars by by Zac Efron in his own spotlight. They finish the Emmy nominated duet together. Lights out and up on a single spotlight on Ashley Tisdale on her Emmy nominated "Fabulous". Opening strains and then up on the remainder of the "High School Musical 2" cast for the rest of song. Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgins return to the group for "We Are All in This Together". Then as the music fades away, the announcer welcomes everyone to the 60th annual Emmy Awards. On to the first award with a comic.

COMICS

Who knows how to rock an audience and create humor and fun than a stand-up comic. Throw a rock at a TV schedule and you'll hit one. Can you think of one? How about...Jon Stewart, Sarah Silverman, Brian Posehn, Kevin James, Patton Oswalt, Jay Leno, Craig Ferguson, David Letterman, Stephen Colbert, Richard Belzer, Carlos Mencia, Joe Rogan, Bill Maher, Kathy Griffin, Margaret Cho, Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, Ellen Degeneres, Joy Behar, Whoopi Goldberg, Sherri Shephard, Monique, Drew Carey, John Oliver, Dave Attell, George Lopez, for starters. Then all those wonderful comics who have specials on the air or haunt Comedy Central including Chris Rock, Dane Cook, Jeff Dunham...

WHO CARES ABOUT THE HOSTS, BRING ON THE WINNERS!
The Emmys prides itself nominating the competition reality shows (They're actually game shows but that's another column). However, if "America's Got Talent", "American Idol", "So You Think You Can Dance", ""Greatest American Dog", "Last Comic Standing", and other talent shows are wonderful (and I agree they are), why couldn't be one of the prizes be they get to perform on the Emmys? Neil E. Boyd, the winner of "America's Got Talent" is an incredible singer. Him and maybe the little 4 year old who can remember all her lyrics would have been wonderful editions to the program. Further point crowds flock to some of the American Idols, why couldn't they perform. Chris Daugherty, Clay Aiken, Carrie Underwood, Kelly Clarkson, Academy Award winner Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia could do some of the nominated songs or could have done a more varied of medley Josh Groban attempted. As for presenting, if you are stuck on a desert island for 39 days eating almost nothing but rice and bugs and you still survived the whole experience to place or win, the very least the Academy can do is let you present an Emmy.

BRING ON THE FREAKS
From the strange and fun (The "Mythbusters" Gang) to the dangerous ("Dog, the Bounty Hunter") to the reality covered celebrities (Rev. Run, Paula Abdul, Kathy Griffin) to reality's favorites families ("Little People, Big World", "American Chopper", "Jon and Kate Plus 8") to the downright self-involved and skanky ("Flavor of Love", "Keeping Up with the Kardasians", "I Love New York"), to the controversial (Bill O'Reilly, Sean Hannity, Bill Maher),TV is filled with characters that not only inform and/or titilate but entertain us. The average blah actor and actress reading lines can be no match for some who commands real presence, sentimentality, or is downright funny all by themselves ("My name is Niecy Nash and you're watching 'Clean House'.)

Remember Academy this is an awards show about the very best TV has to offer. Don't tell us. Show us! Television is entertaining so should be it's award show.

Welcome to My Crazy World

"I reject your reality and substitute my own." - Adam Savage, Mythbusters

Welcome my strange little world. Here is where you'll find my adventures in comedy, publishing and other random weirdness. Mine is sometimes a Walter Mitty like existence and you will be able to read about it all. Here I will put my thoughts on everything from media to politics to the utterly silly. Enjoy.